Becoming a Smaller Me..

I lost 2 lbs! Woo now I’m back at my starting point of 165! I’m gonna do this!

I went away this weekend so I fudged a little on nutrisystem. Thursday I had 1 beer and 2 glasses of wine and also 2 slices of Sicilian pizza. Oops. Then friday was all good besides a bucket of movie theater popcorn which I’m not really sure how detrimental it is but I did it again yesterday. Btw Avengers- amazing! So fun! And I just had a few bites here and there of bad stuff, which we know adds up. So I’m gonna weight myself on Wednesday and see where I am. I need to start working out this week!! But I’m sitting in the parking lot of work now -gg! Xo

I’m going to try and make a tumblr come-back. I am so bad at sticking to stuff like this, but I could really use the support and motivation.

So! I thought I had gained a lot, but I started nutri-system on monday and weighed in today at 167 which isnt terrible. I hadn’t weighed myself in a while, even when I started earlier this week, and I was really scared of seeing 170, which is how I feel. My stomach feels gross and flabby. Well, maybe I was 170 and nutri-system just got rid of my bloat over the past two days. Who knows? But I do know I just weighed in at 10:30(PM!) which we all know is a dangerous thing to do! So maybe if I weigh in the morning it would be even less! I need to get out of the 160’s!! its bathing suit season! ahhhh!

Completely disgusting lately. I cant figure out why either because to me it just seems that I’m out of control. The only thing I can think of is how disgusting I feel about gaining weight, but then why do I continue to sabotage myself? I’ve basically been binging. It’s gross. I am waiting on my nutri system and I really need to get back on a workout routine because that will get rid of some of this bloat and prevent more gain. Ugh

On the topic of me needing help.

The thing is, I love to binge eat! I am actually pretty good at controlling myself in the sense that even if I’m eating bad or eating a lot, I generally don’t have those terrible “eating disorder type” binges. the thing is though, that I would love to! I fantasize about it! Like… Whyyyy is the thought of eating a whole pizza and tub of ice cream and large popcorn so appealing to me??? That should not be appealing!! Also, the thought of life without junk food scares the crap out of me! I believe in healthy food and fueling your body and juicing and cleansing and raw food and all that stuff, yet I can’t do it because I fricken love doritos.. like DORITOS!? seriously!?!?! those disgusting, fake, chemical ridden, cheese dust things?! EW!! yet I love them!! I hate the food industry! This is their fault!! why does fake food have to taste so good :( And why do I feel so much connection to it!? I want food to be fuel, and I want to enjoy it, but not this much!!

oh, also before I try to get on track (not that I am going crazy or anything) I realized that Fettuccine Alfredo used to be my most favorite thing ever, and I haven’t eaten it in a crazy long time since it is terrible for you, so I’m gonna go get some! Cameron has never eaten at Olive Garden, and one just opened here so I figured we are gonna go eventually and I am giving myself some fettuccine! I’m sure I will not have it again for a very long time so I’m gonna enjoy it!

So. first of all, to anyone who actually reads this, sorry for being MIA for a while, I was slacking a bit then I have been sick for 2 weeks with a Kleine Levin Syndrome episode.

I need a bit of a rant I think. So, I am super frustrated. I definitely gained weight on my trip to NY, and then during my episode I eat junk food 24/7 so I’m sure i’ve gained more. I don’t feel too much bigger and my clothes fit but I still feel huge, mainly cause I always feel huge, so being unhealthy, weight gain or not, makes me guilty. Okay so, anyway, I’ve been thinking I might need to do a nutri system or jenny craig type deal. Generally I am very very against these types of diets, and still am in some ways but I know that I maintain my weight pretty well and I do exercise regularly, so I’m a pretty healthy person that has about 20 lbs to loose. I have been really really struggling to loose weight since I don’t have my own kitchen, and I tend to get lazy with food prep. Its an excuse but working 8:30 to 5:30 doesn’t help (hopefully that will be changing this week). I just feel like with Camerons mother making dinner every night, I come home, I’m hungry, I want it, I have no chance! If I had a box meal and a plan I can say no, sorry, i have to eat this! I am so good a justifying that I don’t know if I can do it any other way under this roof. I mean, its a huge problem. I believe I have major food issues. Its my view that many many many of us do, overweight or not, and its not our fault! I know I compulsively eat and stress eat and I love junk food no matter how bad I know it is for me. Its self sabotaging! I believe I need help, and I’ve tried to get it before, and I need to look into it again, but I also know that if I can get this 20 lbs off, I will be able to keep it that way, not to mention I will be so much happier about my body.

And thats another thing! I don’t want to waste anymore time! I know that Cameron is definitely going to propose this year, and I always said I WILL NOT be a fat bride, and I also don’t want to be that girl that has to crash diet during her engagement. Further, I need to be thin and in shape so that I can return to being thin and in shape easier after having babies (which is way way way down the line) but something I think about often!

So. thats the reason I think I need boxed food. I hate boxed food. I love healthy lifestyle changes. I just think I have a long way to go before I can confidently stick to a healthy lifestyle change and I really need this weight off of me!! ugh.

Any thoughts or suggestions!?

That I have a stomach virus and I feel like shit yet I love the feeling of being repulsed by food and can’t wait to see if I’ve lost weight?